Building A Stronger Bond
A practice to align your individual goals in marriage
Introducing a Guest Writer!
My name is Abi Daugherty, and I’m thrilled to be guest writing monthly for Married Life. I’m Christie’s oldest daughter, and I’m so excited to work a little more closely with my mom! I live in West Akron with my husband, Jack, and our two kiddos—Anna (3) and Nathan (9 months). Jack and I have been married for 5 years, and while we may not have decades of marital wisdom, we definitely make up for it with unfiltered honesty and curiosity. We’re both nightshift nurses at Akron Children’s Hospital, so you can imagine how hectic our schedule is. Right now, we’re working on improving our communication and finding healthier rhythms despite our unpredictable, ever-changing routine.
With that said, I want to dive right into a practice Jack and I have incorporated into our yearly routine since we got married.
The Marriage Summit
Each January, Jack and I carve out about 24 hours to remind ourselves of what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. We set goals, review the previous year, and reignite our passion for each other, our marriage, and our growing family. This has become such a fruitful way for us to start the year. We call it The Marriage Summit.
Now, I know the name might sound like it’s a big production, but it’s actually quite simple. It’s just the two of us treating our marriage like something that needs care and attention. We were inspired when our attention was drawn to the yearly summits that successful businesses and corporations host for their teams. To us, marriage is more than just two people in love; it’s two teammates with a shared purpose. Taking the time to nail down that shared purpose fosters some really amazing connections.
This summit continually reminds us that our marriage is much bigger than just the two of us as individuals. It helps us focus on goals and dreams that are as big as the legacy we want to leave. Reflecting together has aligned our goals in a deeper way, creating a stronger sense of unity. We’re a team—and teammates working toward a mutual goal have immense momentum!
We want our goals to be mutual—things we can hold each other accountable to, aspirations that complement one another, and that ultimately serve the same purpose. In other words, if Jack is aiming for one thing and I’m aiming for another, our paths risk moving apart. We want to make sure our focus always remains aligned, even in the individual things we want to achieve.
To put some tread on the tires, I’ll share the framework we’ve developed over the years.
The Year
The YearFirst things first, we review the year ahead. I print out a full calendar of the year—every month. Jack found this overwhelming at first, but stick with me… I won him over, and now he loves this process!
We go through birthdays, holidays, vacations, and any other commitments we need to be available for. This gives us a bird’s-eye view of what we’re heading into—the big picture.
As we go over the calendar, we make note of the busier weeks and months, and where we might need to carve out more time for rest. There are always seasons when we’ll need to prioritize saying “no” to extra commitments, so identifying those ahead of time is a game-changer. For example, December is typically our busiest month (as I’m sure you can imagine!), so we’ve already planned to take some time off to ensure we can handle the holiday chaos without losing our sanity. On the flip side, the summer months in 2025 are looking pretty lean, so we’ve set aside that time for house projects.
With our ever-changing work schedules, I also jot down tentative dates for birthday parties and when we plan to celebrate holidays with extended family. This helps me plan our work schedules and other commitments with more foresight.
This whole process is newer for us—I haven’t always planned this far in advance—but let me tell you, you won’t regret it! I typically manage the family calendar day-to-day, so this also gives Jack the chance to provide input and feedback on some of the bigger things I’ve planned for the year.
The Reflection
After looking ahead at the nuts and bolts of the year, we shift to a time of reflection. This is usually the part that gives us a good laugh. We have a habit of setting lofty goals every year that we rarely meet—and I’m pretty sure we’re not alone in that! Along with the laughter, our reflection often brings some bittersweet emotions. As we look back on the year we’re leaving behind, we talk about our highlights and the harder times. We revisit the things that went well and the areas where we could’ve been—or done—better.
A lot of the time, we’re on the same page, but reflecting like this often uncovers moments where one of us experienced something very differently than the other. It never fails to open up the lines of communication, helping us empathize more deeply with each other.
We each prepare for this time of reflection individually. That means reviewing our goals from the previous year and thinking about the highlights we want to celebrate, as well as the hard moments we want to acknowledge. Taking time to prepare apart from one another has been incredibly fruitful. It’s given us deep insight into each other’s experiences.
The Current Reality and The Ideal States
This portion is really the “meat and potatoes” of our Marriage Summit. It’s like a ‘state of the union’ for our marriage and a time for goal setting. We’ve found it helpful to structure this part by categorizing the key areas we want to focus on: communication, finances, spiritual health, physical intimacy, and physical health. These five foundational principles are what we’ve chosen to prioritize and discuss every year. But these categories can be different for everyone—couples should feel free to adjust them to fit their needs. For example, we’re considering adding parenting as a category next year.
We start by individually reflecting on the current reality and ideal state for each of these areas. Then, we come together to discuss. All of our individual reflections are stored in a shared Google Document, although there was a time when we used to handwrite everything out.
When we meet, we discuss each principle in turn. For instance, Jack will share his perception of our current financial reality and the ‘ideal state’ he wants, and then it’s my turn. From there, we set goals to align our ideal states and then move on to the next category. This is a process, so it takes some time. We usually need a break for food to keep things light—and, let’s be honest, to avoid any potential arguments.
It’s so important to have these conversations, but it’s even better when they’re had with a calm spirit and a clear mind. So, hang in there—good things take time!
The Inspiration and Encouragement
We were inspired by a coffee table book titled Creative Love by Jeremy and Audrey Roloff. Jack and I have been following them for years and have been immensely blessed by their content and wisdom. You can find their books in the Married Life office, so check them out next time you’re there! The Roloffs also host a wonderful podcast called These Are the Days, which you can listen to on all the major platforms. Their Instagram handle is @beating50percent, and their website is www.beating50percent.com
Finally, I want to encourage you: it’s never too late to host a Marriage Summit for you and your spouse! Even just incorporating part of what I’ve shared can be incredibly fruitful. Maybe you just want to review the year and set some goals, skipping the reflection portion. That’s okay! Do what works for you and meets your needs. There’s no time like the present to assess the current reality of your communication with each other. Why not chat about your shared ideal state of spiritual health next time you’re in the car together? Or reflect on some highlights and hardships from 2024? You never know what you’ll learn about your spouse when you approach these conversations with curiosity.
Let us know how it goes if you decide to try it out—we’d love to hear from you! And if you want to dive deeper into building a strong foundation for your marriage in 2025, reach out to our scheduling coordinators here to book a session with one of our counselors.
This article was written by Abigail Daugherty, RN. Abigail is a Licensed Registered Nurse who writes about life as a Gen Z wife and mother.
